Absence

A week ago today I was diagnosed with kidney stones.

In a battle against what is said to be one of the most painful experiences one could suffer, I passed my kidney stones naturally at 4am on Friday. After spending approximately 91 hours and 34 minutes in pain, I was relieved. The pain lasted a few more days, but a week after learning the problem, I am back to where I was.

Due to the kidney stones, I was forced to drop out of school for the entire Winter Semester. Putting my life on hold for a week, I feel as if my health caused a minor setback. I have lost a semester in school, which is valuable this far along in my education.

With only two days left in the first month of 2007, I have already came across my share of obstacles. With health problems and family problems greatly leading the way, education follows, as does my music career. However, a great deal of change has taken place in my personal life, which sheds light to the future, giving me hope and strength to move on. This itself is motivation to battle any obstacles February sets for me.

Love

We all long for a soulmate, whether we are looking for someone to share our thoughts with, care for, or just simply love. Every now or so, when a new attraction steps into your life, and you find yourself an interest, the "game" begins.

The "game" I'm referring to is the going of back and forth to impress one another, yet not seem overly impressed, because it may seem you are too desperate. However, you must show enough interest to make sure the opposite knows you are interested. Confusing? Yes. Why must we always play a game with one another? Why can't we save ourselves the time and pain, and simply say, "I like you"? Sometimes when you do, in fact, show you care for them, and say so, they simply ignore it - trying to not fall for it, because they do not want to heartbroken. They choose to wait it out, to see if the love is authenic. It is all a game we play amongst each other.

We even go as far as not calling each other, even if we really want to speak with the other person. Why? Because again, we might come off "desperate". But to whom? Ourselves? That's just foolish. We must not hold back, for if we do, the opposite might lose hope and interest, all together. However, to be completely honest, finding the new interest and building the foundation is actually sometimes more joyful than the actual relationship - not to say the relationship is bad. But the "feelings" we get, and the smiles that fill our faces everytime the other person calls, or says something to hint at a future togetherness, makes us get that feeling.

You feel a certain way, and I probably do to, so we should not hold back. It is better to have loved then lost, then not loved at all, as Alfred Lord Tennyson had said it.

Reading

Why has it become "cool" to not read?

It seems as if people are embarrassed to say they do any reading. Anytime I talk to teenagers, they promptly state they do not like reading. Most of these adolescents have not even spent time picking up a book. But what's so bad about it? What makes it not "cool"? Most of your favorite movies derived from famous novels, and if you took the time to read the work, you would realize it's probably much better than the film. Why? Because reading is about imagination. You become lost in the story, and develop feelings for characters. You build them up, and leave it to your imagination as to what they look like. You read about the details and the history of each person. Reading also teaches us better spelling and grammar, more than you will ever learn from any movie. So why do a lot of teenagers refuse to read?

Many of told me they simply believe it takes too much time to read a book. It may take weeks and months, and that they do not simply have the time for it. Others claim they get confused and distracted while reading. In my opinion, I rather read a book than watch a movie. I enjoy leaving it up to my imagination and getting lost in it. I honestly do not have much free time myself, so how am I able to enjoy a good read? I set time aside, not every day, but whenever I can, to read as much as possible. I don't have a TV in my room anymore, and there's only so much you can do when you're at home, so I resort to reading.

I am currently reading "A Pale View of Hills" by Kazuo Ishiguro for my English class. I normally dislike the books teachers assign, but this isn't bad. Pretty interesting, I must say. It's about Etsuko, a Japanese woman who lives in England, who's eldest daughter has just committed suicide. In the novel, Etsuko goes back and forth to the past, remembering how it was before she was born, and recalls a time she met a mysterious woman named Sachiko and her daughter Mariko. I have also started three other books, which I had to stop because of this assignment. Those books are "Message In A Bottle" by Nicholas Sparks, "Requiem for a Dream" by Hubert Selby, Jr. and "Early Glendale" by Juliet M. Arroyo. I will go back and start each book from the beginning since I like to read the entire thing at once.

I hope more people will turn to reading and experience the joys each book brings. Unfortunately, with this change in our society, I am afraid that won't be likely. Teenagers are becoming brainwashed by modern technology, which consists of iPods, and the highly praised website, MySpace.

Relief

I have made this "journal" too public to speak about anything too private, so I will try not to be as direct as I would like to.

After a while, we need to learn to let go of certain things. Whether it be habits, dreams, or even friends. If you ever find yourself unhappy, ask yourself the following question: "What's the main source of my pain?" What's making you unhappy? Find the answer, and take it out of your life. Some may argue and say I'm wrong, but if you think about it logically, I could very well be right. If the main problem in your life is, let's say, school - I obviously do not encourage you to drop out. I would tell you to debate if school is the right choice for you, and if you believe it is, you would have to think your education over, and plan it correctly. Get yourself on the right path. However, finding the reason why you are unhappy, and simply fixing it or deleting it from your life, I believe, will result in happiness.

I bring this up because I accomplished it today. I had a realization over one of my biggest concerns, and decided to let it go. I would be inflicting more pain on myself if I kept dealing with it, so the burden is no more. I have a whole lot more to worry about, and quite frankly, those are actual problems. This wasn't. The advice given friends, the nights I stayed awake thinking about what to do, have now all gone to waste. Let's go back to "Fate" as a reference and reminisce: "If it is meant to happen, it will." It wasn't. And there is no use sitting around worrying about why or why not.

Overwhelmed

Today, in class, my teacher talked to us about what our essay's were going to be like. She told us not to get overwhelmed. Take a listen and tell me if that's even remotely possible.

In this class, we have two in-class papers to write. It must fill up an entire blue book. We must also write two out-of-class papers, varying from 5-6 pages, not including Works Cited. Our last paper is our research paper for the novel we are reading, which must be 8-10 pages, not including Works Cited. Each paper must include specific sources, which are as hard to find as writing the actual paper. We must follow proper structure, rhetoric, grammar - everything. She's one of the toughest graders I have personally ever met. The first paper due is the in-class essay which is this Thursday. We don't know the topic, and she might not even tell us. So far so good, right?

Everything else is due about a week after each other, since this is Winter Semester. I think that's ridiculous. Because Winter Semester is only 6 weeks long, I think they should shorten the work, too. How can one possibly do 5 papers, with such research, in the course of 4 weeks? I was hoping to get an A in the class, but that looks out of reach. I'll still have to do my best, and must pass. I have no choice.

So, let me ask. Who is overwhelmed? I certainly am.

Hope

Prior to October of 2006, I felt no main attraction or chemistry with any female who had entered my life. Those few months before the start of October, I didn't click with any girl I was talking to. However, ever since then, I find myself confused. What is one to do when he comes across attraction which he cannot act on?

Let's build a scenario. Chris and John are best friends, and John has recently left his girlfriend, Amy. If Chris and Amy build a stronger friendship after the break up, and find themselves interested in one another, should Chris pursue Amy? Should he ask John for approval? How long should he wait? Should he even consider it? Or, let's say, Joe and Jack are cousins. Jack's cousin, Susie, who is not in any way related to Joe, finds herself attracted to him. Should Joe and Susie be allowed to have the chance to think about a relationship? Is it wrong?

I'm Chris and Joe. Not in this specific scenario, but something along these lines. I think when we chase something we know we will never achieve, whether it's a girl or a dream in life, and something decent presents itself, we tend to find ourselves more attracted towards it. For example, if I have been chasing a girl for years, and trying to start a relationship with her, but have always failed; and another girl comes along, who is just as great, should I step aside from the dream girl and pursue the newly encountered girl? Some would say yes, but I have been wondering. Why let go? Why not pursue the dream girl? After all, we are told to chase our dreams, because we are led to believe one day we will reach them. Maybe we won't ever be able to reach these dreams, but the fact that you might, gives you hope every day to keep moving. And maybe all we need in life is hope, and the belief that one day we will reach those dreams.

This is an excerpt from "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown:

Robert: "Those who truly understand their faiths understand the stories are metaphorical."

Sophie: "My friends who are devout Christians definitely believe that Christ literally walked on water, literally turned water into wine, and was born a literal virgin birth."

Robert: "My point exactly. Religious allegory has become a part of the fabric of reality. And living in that reality helps millions of people cope and be better people."

Sophie: "But it appears their reality is false."

I don't mean to involve religion with relationships, but I see a connection as far as "chasing dreams" go. Maybe we believe in religion just to have a reason everyday to wake up and keep living. And maybe, just maybe, it's the same with relationships.

Education

Since we were children, most of us have seen school as a burden. Waking up every day to go to school, for the entire week, with only two days vacation, hardly seems worth it. The daily routine, which begins when we are too young to remember, and lasts until early adulthood, blinds us from what education might actually bring. By the time I reached high school, I had been through about four or five schools. Not because of my citizenship, but because my family moved every few years. I started off doing very well in school, received a GPA of 4.0 until the 7th grade. After going from one classroom to the next, I ended up slacking off. I guess you can say I didn't feel comfortable, and was always worried by the new environment. I stopped doing so well, and throughout high school, I struggled with my classes. I had it in me to do very well, but I found it pointless. Eventually, it all caught up to me in the end, when it was too late.

I started College in Fall 2005, and I was determined to do my best, and transfer to a four-year university. Again, I fell behind in classes, because I wasn't motivated. Unfortunently, that exceeded it's limit as well, until recently, I began thinking. If I keep this up, I will either drop out of school, or stay at this College for years. The one thing my parents have asked for me is to do well in school, and I know they haven't had the opportunity to smile like they used to, since those middle school days. So, I had an awakening. What's better than making my parents proud, and at the same time be proud of myself, and graduate from University? The answer was simple, and I was determined to move on.

I realized I need to start looking at school for what it really is. An advantage to get a good education and start a career. No more burden, I go to class to learn. For me, it's not about what I'm majoring in, but what I will do with it in the end. I'm still debating the possibility of using the English major for either law/medical school. I do know, however, that I will not be limited to reaching higher grounds, and will be involved with anything and everything I want to be. A few schools for transfer are in mind, but not decided, and won't be until I speak with my counselor. But I am motivated, and eager to do better with my education, now more than ever.

Katharsis

We had a discussion in class today about "revenge" and "katharsis".

Revenge (n) - retaliation taken in return for an injury or offense
Katharsis (n) - (psychoanalysis) purging of emotional tensions

I suggested to the class that "revenge" and "katharsis" stand together the same way "jealousy" and "envy" do. A person who seeks revenge is clearly looking to cause some sort of pain to the opposition, and/or take it to the extreme. A person seeking katharsis is "letting off healthy steam", as we mentioned in class. I believe it is the same with jealousy and envy. To be envious denotes a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, or possessions. However, if one is jealous of another, it implies feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages. Senior year of high school, my English teacher, whom I hate with passion today, clarified jealousy implies hate. As does revenge, I suppose. Revenge is taken to an extreme, the same way it is done with jealousy. Nonetheless, my teacher agreed with me today, so I assume my position is correct.

Fate

The fact that I am not progressing is bothering me.

Why is it that everytime you want a certain thing to work, it never does? No matter how much time and effort you put into it, and how careful you are, it still doesn't work the way you want it to. I have always heard if it is meant to happen, it will. It seems as if that phrase and "Everything happens for a reason" are the only two phrases people know these days. It is as if they live their life by it, and have become religious to the saying. Although I do believe in fate, I also believe I can control the actions and consequences in my life. If I keep failing at making things work with a certain girl, should I simply let it go and think, "If it is meant to happen, it will"? Hardly. On the contrary, I do what I can to show my interest in her, and if the interest is not returned, I will then, possibly, let it go.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because it's been in the back of my mind for too long. It hasn't been bothering me recently, but it hit me today. You see, the thing is, I simply want to carry out the process of being friends and forming a deeper relationship, but when she doesn't show any interest, whatsoever, I am encouraged to give up and lose all hope. It's just like music. I give up every night. But when I wake up in the morning, I go back to it, because that's all I know. I've been involved with music for so long now, it's apart of me, and I can't let it go, even though most of the time I wish I could. It's all complicated for me, but honestly, I feel as if I'm chasing something that isn't there.

But as my peers have told me, if it is meant to happen, it will.

Late

My time is running out.

The 'dreams' entry I made earlier, came back to haunt me. Literally. For so long, I haven't had a 'bad dream', and I was starting to think it was because I was listening to music and it was keeping me relaxed, but I think it was the night I made that entry, when I had a nightmare. I forgot what it was about, but I layed awake in bed for about an hour thinking about it.

Dreams are fascinating. I read about dreams last night, before I went to sleep, and it's really an amazing thing - especially lucid dreaming. I'll get into detail about that another time. Last night, instead of leaving on a collection of songs, I left on one song - my new song. I wanted to see if it would affect my dreams in any way, and it did. I dreamt I had to go to class, but while driving, I realized I took a wrong road. I had gone the opposite way. I checked the time in my car, and it was 6:00 - and I remember thinking I had to be there by 9. But somehow, I checked the time again, and it had jumped, and I was late. I was racing against time my entire dream, struggling to get to school. In my dream, I was going to Berkeley, which is interesting because I have considered that school for transfer. Today, I was thinking about what that dream might have meant. Maybe I'm nervous about school? I found one interpretation of what being 'late' means, and it said:

Late
To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.

How conveniant. "You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want." If that's not on point, I don't know what is. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about my album, and how I have to prepare it. 7 months seems like a long time, but time flies. All the distribution, promotion - takes a lot of time, and you need to be smart with how you do it. I think the dream, in a sense, is referring to my music, (which is odd considering I was listening to my music while sleeping), and is referring to school, because I'm trying to find a balance between both. Either way, dreams are quite my interest lately, because if I dream I'm a butterfly, then wake up - did I just wake up dreaming I was a butterfly, or start dreaming I'm a person..? Think about it.

Friends

"..I woke up one day and everything was different."

If you know me well enough, you know I hate change. I like keeping things in life simple and familiar. Growing up, my family had to move a lot, so I wasn't able to build long term friendships. During middle school, I built a close friendship with my class, which then led to me moving to Glendale and never seeing them. It's been about six years, and I have only seen one or two of my classmates. I felt like I woke up one day and everything was different. New city, new school - had to start from scratch. Going to a private school made the entire class feel like a family, so losing that after all those years, was dramatically felt. I figured we would all stay in contact, but we never did. Phone numbers and contacts changed, and we all forgot about each other. I have heard from others no one ever really asked about me after I left, and if they did, it wasn't in any positive way. I would assume that's true because of the multiple sources, and what really bothers me, is that after all these years, I still try to keep those friendships alive. After trying all I could to find them, contact them, the most I get out of my past friends is, "How have you been? It's been a long time."

I'm not asking for much, I just miss the past. I have mentioned we should all get together and reunite, because most of the class did go their separate ways after graduation - and even though they do get together every year, it has never been asked of me to join. I don't take it offensively, nor am I saddened by it. I do, however, feel left out. My sister went to the same school as I did, and she sees my past classmates ocassionally, but again, they don't show any interest. I wish I could meet these old friends one more time, and see how everyone is doing after so many years, but I doubt I ever will. They all look happy, though, so I'm glad they're living a good life. I wish them nothing but the best, regardless of what they think of me today. I haven't been raised to hold a grudge or to hate someone. But if I ever get a chance to speak with them again, I'd tell them I miss them.