MySpace for me began as a tool to promote my music to those who cared. It began has a hobby and transformed into life and slowly took over. But when you grow to love something as much as I did to music, you begin to live with it and it becomes apart of you. Then you find yourself in a position where you're stuck.
What happens when you have a change of heart?
Do you continue something just so people don't call you a quitter? Or do you let it go and try to move on. One-Way has been with me since 2003 and it's been rougly four years I have dedicated my time and effort. When the end result isn't worth the dedication, your passion burns out.
Without the help of producers, investors, and managers - I built a name for myself. From school battles to writing rhymes in a journal, I kept rising on my own pace, as I began recording tracks completely produced, engineered and mixed by myself. I was my own producer, engineer, and writer.
What grew to become a problem was that music was my life. The problem now is, music WAS my life. To move on with your life and live a healthy, balanced and satisfactory one, you must let go of certain things. With time comes change and we must all move on.
I no longer feel like a quitter. I was cheated all throughout my life and felt unappreciated. And although I never had the chance to release my final song, I no longer need to. But fear not, because you will be hearing more of me in the future. Not as One-Way, however. Under who I really am..
-Armen Karaoghlanian.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The Key to Reserva
Martin Scorsese directs a lost Alfred Hitchcock commercial. Scorsese came across an incomplete 3-page script and attempted to direct the commercial in homage of Hitchcock. Using Hitchcock's techniques, Martin Scorsese once again proves his talent.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Chamillionaire
Money and materialistic things is what keeps us motivated.
This may sound crazy but what some people view as success is what I view as overrated.
A peace of mind can't be imitated,
But sometimes some of the simplest things are often unappreciated.
The wind, the water, the Earth.
Sometimes enjoying life is something that you have to force yourself to do.
But a problem is something you could always get through.
And when you're looking at the world through a bird's eye view,
Things that you used to stress about seem so much smaller than you.
A moment will pass but a movement will last.
-Chamillionaire
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Black November
My absence may as well be unrecognizable, but my presence sure does make a statement. I have been gone for quite a while, and when I do come back, it's just for a quick hello then I disappear for a few more weeks. In this case, a few more months. I have had a lot on my plate and even more on my mind. With music out of my way, I can clearly concentrate on what is important to me. There isn't much left of this year, and with my birthday approaching, I feel myself gaining more wisdom with time. So what is all of this about? I'm putting my creative thinking into actual writing as I am setting forth plans for a screenplay I am writing, tentatively titled "Black November". I will not disclose any more information, not anytime soon, and will only reveal the rough screenplay itself to those I chose to show. So why am I announcing my ideas if you might not even get a simple glance at it? Because I can.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Mary
My first date with my girlfriend, Mary Nazaryan, was an evening where I was unfortunately sick; however, I claim she is the reason why I haven’t got sick ever since. It was a night I will never forget, not because of our first kiss or our first moments being together, but because of the warm hug I received when she approached me. Her eyes were filled with excitement as she ran towards me, leaping into my arms. I had never seen a woman more beautiful than she did that night.
How do I describe the way I feel about Mary? I will never be able to find the words to do so. Unfortunately, I will not be able to completely release my emotions in this letter, because I won’t be able to find the right words. Perfect is a standard we set amongst ourselves, however… I can’t finish this letter. I can’t find the right words. I can’t describe to you how much I care for and love this girl. I will never be able to. No movie, or love story, novel or film will be able to depict the passion I feel for Mary. It is unfeasible to describe how I feel, and therefore, more so unattainable to put it into words. I will never be able to. The world will be blind to my story, and no one, except for I, will understand how I truly feel. No one… Not even Mary Nazaryan herself.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Music
Music is not a priority for me, because making music my life, leads to an unhealthy balance.
I can't afford to spend every second I have and concentrating only on music. Doing that does not allow me to focus on my education, work, nor does it leave time for a personal life. Many people still don't exactly know why I make music. I began hoping I could make something from music, but as the years passed, I realized I was chasing a dream I might not be happy with. Anyone who knows the slightest bit about the music industry knows how frustrating it is to deal with record labels and deals. Even if you are offered a contract and the opportunity to sign with a record label, the artist ends up receiving nothing. You basically sign your life away, which I will never allow.
I no longer chase the opportunity of getting signed to a record label. Any promotion I do is to merely catch the attention of those who I think should hear my music. The reason I started making music was to express myself and have people hear about my life. That is why I promote myself, to have as many people as possible, open their ears to my music. However, if I am offered the chance to sign a deal, I won't reject it. If the deal is decent, I will work with it. But I'm not selling my soul to gain nothing.
No longer will I chase after deadlines, because that affects my personal life. I choose to not fall back behind in my education, just to make an album. I have announced July 7, 2007 as the official day to release my album, but due to my beliefs, my debut album currently has no release date. I may or may not finish the album by then, therefore, I am not setting anything in stone. I will simply finish when I have time. I need to focus my full attention on getting to where I need with my school, and still make time to be with friends and family. That's the most important thing right now.
If you don't know, now you know.
I can't afford to spend every second I have and concentrating only on music. Doing that does not allow me to focus on my education, work, nor does it leave time for a personal life. Many people still don't exactly know why I make music. I began hoping I could make something from music, but as the years passed, I realized I was chasing a dream I might not be happy with. Anyone who knows the slightest bit about the music industry knows how frustrating it is to deal with record labels and deals. Even if you are offered a contract and the opportunity to sign with a record label, the artist ends up receiving nothing. You basically sign your life away, which I will never allow.
I no longer chase the opportunity of getting signed to a record label. Any promotion I do is to merely catch the attention of those who I think should hear my music. The reason I started making music was to express myself and have people hear about my life. That is why I promote myself, to have as many people as possible, open their ears to my music. However, if I am offered the chance to sign a deal, I won't reject it. If the deal is decent, I will work with it. But I'm not selling my soul to gain nothing.
No longer will I chase after deadlines, because that affects my personal life. I choose to not fall back behind in my education, just to make an album. I have announced July 7, 2007 as the official day to release my album, but due to my beliefs, my debut album currently has no release date. I may or may not finish the album by then, therefore, I am not setting anything in stone. I will simply finish when I have time. I need to focus my full attention on getting to where I need with my school, and still make time to be with friends and family. That's the most important thing right now.
If you don't know, now you know.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Change
I recently received a letter in the mail, from Armen Karaoghlanian, which was written over three years ago. Let me explain.
In my Junior year of High School, one of the most inspirational teachers I have ever had, suggested we all write ourselves letters as a project. The idea was we would write about our lives at that current moment, talk about our situations with school and life, and our goals in the future. She would later keep them in her room and mail them to us three years later. I hadn't completely forgotten about the letter, in the last three years, I had remembered it a few times - most recently a few weeks ago. I was anticipating receiving it, as I had remembered it was due for Spring 2007.
The letter ended up at my uncle's house, because I had listed him as the return address, just in case I moved. Confused, he handed me the letter and asked what it was. I immediately dug into it and sat in my car to ride it. It felt like it was a letter from a previous lifetime, so much has changed, as I had imagined. Surprisingly enough I made a comment telling myself I could not picture my life a few months from that moment - let alone three years.
I felt the pain in my words, worried about what life would hold after graduation. So many problems with school, family, money and girls. Reading back, I have realized how much I have changed. During those three years, in my opinion, I underwent serious change and matured. I changed my set of beliefs, for the better, and today, I am nothing like the 2004 Armen Karaoghlanian. My life is headed on the right path, with my education and family, and I have even found the special person in my life.
If someone was to tell me my life would be the way it is today, I would not be able to believe it. I am glad I haven't wasted those few years, and haven't disappointed my family. I will continue to grow and make those around me proud.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Happiness
In what seemed like an impossible attempt to define happiness, I set forward a simple question amongst friends and family.
"What does happiness mean to you?"
Their answers were quite exceptional, as each individual’s response was distinctive and personal. I was, however, in disbelief when I then asked, "Are you happy?"
"Happiness is when I have nothing to worry about, even if it is just for two minutes. No, I am not happy, but I try to be. I think I am only happy when I want to be, and sometimes, it's done for comfort."
"Feeling good enough about one thing to make you ignore the rest. No, I'm never happy because I think happiness has been categorized as an overall feeling and I'm never, overall, satisfied."
"When the people I love are happy, when love strikes you when you least expect it and you receive the same kind of love in return, when the simplest thing like hearing his name makes you smile. Yes, I am happy, because although there may be the day-to-day problems and obstacles I am faced with throughout my life, I know that with hope and faith those obstacles will be overcome with the happiness I am yet to see."
"One will never be happy if they continue to search what happiness consists of. Happiness to me is when you love someone and you are loved back. That is true happiness. Although I find happiness in a lot of things; a simple smile, waking up knowing I have the health to go on another day. Life consists of many moments of happiness, but you should never look for it - it will find you and consider yourself blessed to have happiness in your pure heart, with a loved one, with family or a sibling. Currently, I am happy. Reason to why is because all that I listed that are considered the happiness I have, therefore I consider myself happy."
"Happiness is a concept that is defined by a given individual. To define happiness properly, I would say that you would need to break it down into several subcategories: Work, Life, Romance, etc. To me, happiness is composed of having a good family - parents, brothers/sisters, and wife/husband. Happiness is realized when one realizes and appreciates the things that they have in their lives and not concentrate on the things that they do not have. This is a great mental shift which I don't think many people are prepared for. To realize that you do not need to have a luxury car to make you happy, that you do not have to make millions of dollars to make you happy. Happiness comes from the smaller things in life which are not seen and appreciated by most. For instance, human nature is such that we set goals for ourselves, but sometimes the goals we set forward are not realistic, or are too much to handle. When we fail to meet these goals, we get frustrated and it affects our happiness. We should learn from our mistakes, adjust our goals, and maybe be a little more realistic, so that next time, we have a better chance at succeeding and getting closer to our happiness. So to be truly happy, you need to be realistic in your life."
Others mentioned happiness to them is unexplainable; however, it is what makes them feel secure. Happiness provokes your outer being, but revokes your inner self. Another individual suggested happiness is peace of mind; yet they could not find themselves to be happy because happiness to them felt temporary. Good events in their life have seemed to come and go quickly, leaving them feeling the emotion for a short while.
Happiness is an emotional state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. It has been pursued by us all, yet we place an importance on the emotion, and allow ourselves to lose focus of its true meaning. To understand what true happiness is, we must realize happiness is a matter of experience. You should not search for happiness, and look for it in materialistic objects. We must realize happiness lies within our heart and soul. The definition of happiness varies amongst the individual, as we all have our own standards and understandings. One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's pain is another man's pleasure. Regardless of what happiness means to you, we should remember to always be grateful for what we have. Happiness is not to be possessed, it is to be enjoyed and experienced.
In a series by Phillip Jose Farmer, titled "Riverworld", we learn about a man who has obtained the homes of resurectors. In that homestead, he lives alongside mosquitoes, heat and humidity. However, at the end of the day, he is able to retreat to his air-conditioned house. When asked why he would have such pests and uncomfortable conditions around him, in a world he is able to control, his answer was profound. He explains if we do not know what misery is, how can we tell what Eden is? To be surrounded by the things we hate, and then resorting to a house you can call your own, makes you truly realize happiness. According to the man, happiness is escaping misery. It is not a person, place or thing. We cannot appreciate it, or understand it, until we know what the exact opposite is.
I never thought I would understand what true happiness meant. For some reason, I was never completely happy with my life. I let certain things in my life hold me down and keep me away from being positive. Growing older, I have realized how fortunate I really am. I have started appreciating life and looking at it in a different perspective. What once used to keep me from being happy is now looked at as the opposite. I let the happiness in my life empower the negative. So, what does happiness mean to me? I have already made it clear happiness is an experience we cannot describe, as it has a different meaning to us all. However, to me, it is the thought of no worries. Happiness is what helps you get through your day and motivates you to keep smiling, even though not everything in life is perfect. Happiness means being around my loved ones, and seeing them experience the same indescribable emotion. Happiness lets you not care about the minor setbacks in your life, and helps you appreciate everything that is pure. It helps you open your eyes to what is good in your life, instead of focusing on what's bad.
The question still stands, "Am I happy?"
Saying I am happy with my life would be an understatement. I could not ask for more, as I have the perfect family and a wonderful girlfriend. I always keep my head up high and hope for a bright future, because I believe in myself and know I can achieve what I put my mind to. If I was to think negative and be unappreciative of the things in my life, I would never experience the joys of happiness. For those who wish to finally smile, they need to realize they must set realistic goals for themselves, as one of our answers above read. We must always smile and keep hope alive, for anything in life is possible, even reaching true happiness.
I would like to thank those who shared their views and helped me piece together this journal.
"What does happiness mean to you?"
Their answers were quite exceptional, as each individual’s response was distinctive and personal. I was, however, in disbelief when I then asked, "Are you happy?"
"Happiness is when I have nothing to worry about, even if it is just for two minutes. No, I am not happy, but I try to be. I think I am only happy when I want to be, and sometimes, it's done for comfort."
"Feeling good enough about one thing to make you ignore the rest. No, I'm never happy because I think happiness has been categorized as an overall feeling and I'm never, overall, satisfied."
"When the people I love are happy, when love strikes you when you least expect it and you receive the same kind of love in return, when the simplest thing like hearing his name makes you smile. Yes, I am happy, because although there may be the day-to-day problems and obstacles I am faced with throughout my life, I know that with hope and faith those obstacles will be overcome with the happiness I am yet to see."
"One will never be happy if they continue to search what happiness consists of. Happiness to me is when you love someone and you are loved back. That is true happiness. Although I find happiness in a lot of things; a simple smile, waking up knowing I have the health to go on another day. Life consists of many moments of happiness, but you should never look for it - it will find you and consider yourself blessed to have happiness in your pure heart, with a loved one, with family or a sibling. Currently, I am happy. Reason to why is because all that I listed that are considered the happiness I have, therefore I consider myself happy."
"Happiness is a concept that is defined by a given individual. To define happiness properly, I would say that you would need to break it down into several subcategories: Work, Life, Romance, etc. To me, happiness is composed of having a good family - parents, brothers/sisters, and wife/husband. Happiness is realized when one realizes and appreciates the things that they have in their lives and not concentrate on the things that they do not have. This is a great mental shift which I don't think many people are prepared for. To realize that you do not need to have a luxury car to make you happy, that you do not have to make millions of dollars to make you happy. Happiness comes from the smaller things in life which are not seen and appreciated by most. For instance, human nature is such that we set goals for ourselves, but sometimes the goals we set forward are not realistic, or are too much to handle. When we fail to meet these goals, we get frustrated and it affects our happiness. We should learn from our mistakes, adjust our goals, and maybe be a little more realistic, so that next time, we have a better chance at succeeding and getting closer to our happiness. So to be truly happy, you need to be realistic in your life."
Others mentioned happiness to them is unexplainable; however, it is what makes them feel secure. Happiness provokes your outer being, but revokes your inner self. Another individual suggested happiness is peace of mind; yet they could not find themselves to be happy because happiness to them felt temporary. Good events in their life have seemed to come and go quickly, leaving them feeling the emotion for a short while.
Happiness is an emotional state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. It has been pursued by us all, yet we place an importance on the emotion, and allow ourselves to lose focus of its true meaning. To understand what true happiness is, we must realize happiness is a matter of experience. You should not search for happiness, and look for it in materialistic objects. We must realize happiness lies within our heart and soul. The definition of happiness varies amongst the individual, as we all have our own standards and understandings. One man's trash is another man's treasure. One man's pain is another man's pleasure. Regardless of what happiness means to you, we should remember to always be grateful for what we have. Happiness is not to be possessed, it is to be enjoyed and experienced.
In a series by Phillip Jose Farmer, titled "Riverworld", we learn about a man who has obtained the homes of resurectors. In that homestead, he lives alongside mosquitoes, heat and humidity. However, at the end of the day, he is able to retreat to his air-conditioned house. When asked why he would have such pests and uncomfortable conditions around him, in a world he is able to control, his answer was profound. He explains if we do not know what misery is, how can we tell what Eden is? To be surrounded by the things we hate, and then resorting to a house you can call your own, makes you truly realize happiness. According to the man, happiness is escaping misery. It is not a person, place or thing. We cannot appreciate it, or understand it, until we know what the exact opposite is.
I never thought I would understand what true happiness meant. For some reason, I was never completely happy with my life. I let certain things in my life hold me down and keep me away from being positive. Growing older, I have realized how fortunate I really am. I have started appreciating life and looking at it in a different perspective. What once used to keep me from being happy is now looked at as the opposite. I let the happiness in my life empower the negative. So, what does happiness mean to me? I have already made it clear happiness is an experience we cannot describe, as it has a different meaning to us all. However, to me, it is the thought of no worries. Happiness is what helps you get through your day and motivates you to keep smiling, even though not everything in life is perfect. Happiness means being around my loved ones, and seeing them experience the same indescribable emotion. Happiness lets you not care about the minor setbacks in your life, and helps you appreciate everything that is pure. It helps you open your eyes to what is good in your life, instead of focusing on what's bad.
The question still stands, "Am I happy?"
Saying I am happy with my life would be an understatement. I could not ask for more, as I have the perfect family and a wonderful girlfriend. I always keep my head up high and hope for a bright future, because I believe in myself and know I can achieve what I put my mind to. If I was to think negative and be unappreciative of the things in my life, I would never experience the joys of happiness. For those who wish to finally smile, they need to realize they must set realistic goals for themselves, as one of our answers above read. We must always smile and keep hope alive, for anything in life is possible, even reaching true happiness.
I would like to thank those who shared their views and helped me piece together this journal.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Indescribable
Love is an indescribable emotion and experience intertwined with a sense of strong affection a person feels for another soul. Love binds humanity together, letting us experience emotions beyond our imagination. It also influences some of the most important decisions one can ever make. Love is worth living for, but ironically it is also worth dying for. It may lead to indescribable happiness, but may also open doors to unimaginable misery. Money can’t buy happiness, but love can find it for free. The Bible defines love as being God himself. John 4:8 states “God Is Love”. God is the epitome of love - in action and relation. It is impossible to find love, as love will only find you when you least expect it. Have you ever been in love? Many confuse their emotions, thinking they have been in love when they clearly have not.
Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or addictive love. Passion is an involuntary emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. Both infatuation and passion are often confused for “being in love”, but are clearly two different matters. Those who do not believe in love will live their life without ever experiencing such joy, in a crucial world of hate.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Reasoning
Sara Goldfarb: It's not the prizes, Harry. It doesn't make any difference if I win or lose. It's like a reason to get up in the morning. It's a reason to lose weight so I can be healthy. It's a reason to fit in the red dress. It's a reason to smile, already. It makes tomorrow alright. What have I got, Harry? Why should I even make the bed or wash the dishes? I do them, but why should I? I'm alone. Seymour's gone, you're gone, I have no one to take care of. Anybody. Everybody. What do I have? I'm lonely, Harry. I'm old.
Harry Goldfarb: You got friends, Ma. What --
Sara Goldfarb: It's not the same. You need someone to make for. No, Harry, I like how I feel this way. I like thinking about the red dress and the television...and your father and you. Now when I get the sun I smile.
The following dialogue is from Darren Aronofsky's film"Requiem for a Dream", quite possibly my favorite movie. The reason I introduced this specific scene from the movie is because of it's true meaning. A reason to wake up in the morning and live your life. Some may argue religion itself is a way for us to have something to live for. Maybe we believe in God, and live our lives by the bible, just to have a reason to be a better person. It gives us hope and strength to overcome our obstacles. While I do not agree religion is just this, I do believe it is important to be motivated.
Having a girlfriend or a boyfriend may even be a reason or a form of motivation for us. The beginning stages of starting a relationship - the rush of emotions, the constant smiles every time we think of our new found interest - could be looked at as a reason to have a brighter day. It can make us feel loved, and gives us the feeling somebody cares about you. It gives you strength to get through your day. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, the cliche phrase I have heard all my life is being incorporated in my current lifestyle. There is a reason behind everything we experience in our life. The mistakes we make, we learn from them. The pain we encounter helps us appreciate the better days. After the sun comes rain, but the sun wouldn't shine as bright if the rain hadn't had it's effect.
Harry Goldfarb: You got friends, Ma. What --
Sara Goldfarb: It's not the same. You need someone to make for. No, Harry, I like how I feel this way. I like thinking about the red dress and the television...and your father and you. Now when I get the sun I smile.
The following dialogue is from Darren Aronofsky's film"Requiem for a Dream", quite possibly my favorite movie. The reason I introduced this specific scene from the movie is because of it's true meaning. A reason to wake up in the morning and live your life. Some may argue religion itself is a way for us to have something to live for. Maybe we believe in God, and live our lives by the bible, just to have a reason to be a better person. It gives us hope and strength to overcome our obstacles. While I do not agree religion is just this, I do believe it is important to be motivated.
Having a girlfriend or a boyfriend may even be a reason or a form of motivation for us. The beginning stages of starting a relationship - the rush of emotions, the constant smiles every time we think of our new found interest - could be looked at as a reason to have a brighter day. It can make us feel loved, and gives us the feeling somebody cares about you. It gives you strength to get through your day. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, the cliche phrase I have heard all my life is being incorporated in my current lifestyle. There is a reason behind everything we experience in our life. The mistakes we make, we learn from them. The pain we encounter helps us appreciate the better days. After the sun comes rain, but the sun wouldn't shine as bright if the rain hadn't had it's effect.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Believe
I used to believe better days would never make way into my life. I was starting to believe nothing ever got better and happiness was overexaggerated. We would simply confuse a 'decent' day for a 'good' day, because we would be lowering our standards towards happiness. That's all life is about - standards. When we aren't happy with one thing, we lower our standards to be happy with the next best thing. But when you pray for better days, as I had been doing, those days shine light into your world.
2007 was promised to be a better year for us all, and though a month has passed, people around me have already encouraged negativity. We must always believe better days wait us in the future, it gives us hope and reason to look for a brighter tomorrow. It gives us a reason to wake up in the morning and make it through the day. We change with each and every day, and the struggles we face in life shape us into stronger individuals, but that's the beauty of aging. With age comes wisdom. When asked what my biggest fear is, I reply with "change" because of the endless possibilies, whether negative or positive. Remember to keep your head up and look for a better day.
2007 was promised to be a better year for us all, and though a month has passed, people around me have already encouraged negativity. We must always believe better days wait us in the future, it gives us hope and reason to look for a brighter tomorrow. It gives us a reason to wake up in the morning and make it through the day. We change with each and every day, and the struggles we face in life shape us into stronger individuals, but that's the beauty of aging. With age comes wisdom. When asked what my biggest fear is, I reply with "change" because of the endless possibilies, whether negative or positive. Remember to keep your head up and look for a better day.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Perfect
When something seems too good to be true, it is.
Why is it that when something seems too good to be true, it is? We often build it up in our imagination, and are disappointed when certain goals are not met. There is no such thing as perfect, so why use it in our language? It seems perfect is an impossible goal to reach, therefore I believe perfect should be a standard we set amongst ourselves. There is no such thing as the perfect partner, nor is there such thing as the perfect job. Perfect is what we make of it. So why are we left disappointed when something does not go as planned? It was "too good to be true", is what we say. In relationships, we must openly discuss our emotions, so one isn't wondering what the other feels. Communication is a must. Holding back is the epitome of failed relationships. It's not that the situation was too good to be true, but it is because we could not work past our obstacles and find a balance between right and wrong.
Why is it that when something seems too good to be true, it is? We often build it up in our imagination, and are disappointed when certain goals are not met. There is no such thing as perfect, so why use it in our language? It seems perfect is an impossible goal to reach, therefore I believe perfect should be a standard we set amongst ourselves. There is no such thing as the perfect partner, nor is there such thing as the perfect job. Perfect is what we make of it. So why are we left disappointed when something does not go as planned? It was "too good to be true", is what we say. In relationships, we must openly discuss our emotions, so one isn't wondering what the other feels. Communication is a must. Holding back is the epitome of failed relationships. It's not that the situation was too good to be true, but it is because we could not work past our obstacles and find a balance between right and wrong.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Absence
A week ago today I was diagnosed with kidney stones.
In a battle against what is said to be one of the most painful experiences one could suffer, I passed my kidney stones naturally at 4am on Friday. After spending approximately 91 hours and 34 minutes in pain, I was relieved. The pain lasted a few more days, but a week after learning the problem, I am back to where I was.
Due to the kidney stones, I was forced to drop out of school for the entire Winter Semester. Putting my life on hold for a week, I feel as if my health caused a minor setback. I have lost a semester in school, which is valuable this far along in my education.
With only two days left in the first month of 2007, I have already came across my share of obstacles. With health problems and family problems greatly leading the way, education follows, as does my music career. However, a great deal of change has taken place in my personal life, which sheds light to the future, giving me hope and strength to move on. This itself is motivation to battle any obstacles February sets for me.
In a battle against what is said to be one of the most painful experiences one could suffer, I passed my kidney stones naturally at 4am on Friday. After spending approximately 91 hours and 34 minutes in pain, I was relieved. The pain lasted a few more days, but a week after learning the problem, I am back to where I was.
Due to the kidney stones, I was forced to drop out of school for the entire Winter Semester. Putting my life on hold for a week, I feel as if my health caused a minor setback. I have lost a semester in school, which is valuable this far along in my education.
With only two days left in the first month of 2007, I have already came across my share of obstacles. With health problems and family problems greatly leading the way, education follows, as does my music career. However, a great deal of change has taken place in my personal life, which sheds light to the future, giving me hope and strength to move on. This itself is motivation to battle any obstacles February sets for me.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Love
We all long for a soulmate, whether we are looking for someone to share our thoughts with, care for, or just simply love. Every now or so, when a new attraction steps into your life, and you find yourself an interest, the "game" begins.
The "game" I'm referring to is the going of back and forth to impress one another, yet not seem overly impressed, because it may seem you are too desperate. However, you must show enough interest to make sure the opposite knows you are interested. Confusing? Yes. Why must we always play a game with one another? Why can't we save ourselves the time and pain, and simply say, "I like you"? Sometimes when you do, in fact, show you care for them, and say so, they simply ignore it - trying to not fall for it, because they do not want to heartbroken. They choose to wait it out, to see if the love is authenic. It is all a game we play amongst each other.
We even go as far as not calling each other, even if we really want to speak with the other person. Why? Because again, we might come off "desperate". But to whom? Ourselves? That's just foolish. We must not hold back, for if we do, the opposite might lose hope and interest, all together. However, to be completely honest, finding the new interest and building the foundation is actually sometimes more joyful than the actual relationship - not to say the relationship is bad. But the "feelings" we get, and the smiles that fill our faces everytime the other person calls, or says something to hint at a future togetherness, makes us get that feeling.
You feel a certain way, and I probably do to, so we should not hold back. It is better to have loved then lost, then not loved at all, as Alfred Lord Tennyson had said it.
The "game" I'm referring to is the going of back and forth to impress one another, yet not seem overly impressed, because it may seem you are too desperate. However, you must show enough interest to make sure the opposite knows you are interested. Confusing? Yes. Why must we always play a game with one another? Why can't we save ourselves the time and pain, and simply say, "I like you"? Sometimes when you do, in fact, show you care for them, and say so, they simply ignore it - trying to not fall for it, because they do not want to heartbroken. They choose to wait it out, to see if the love is authenic. It is all a game we play amongst each other.
We even go as far as not calling each other, even if we really want to speak with the other person. Why? Because again, we might come off "desperate". But to whom? Ourselves? That's just foolish. We must not hold back, for if we do, the opposite might lose hope and interest, all together. However, to be completely honest, finding the new interest and building the foundation is actually sometimes more joyful than the actual relationship - not to say the relationship is bad. But the "feelings" we get, and the smiles that fill our faces everytime the other person calls, or says something to hint at a future togetherness, makes us get that feeling.
You feel a certain way, and I probably do to, so we should not hold back. It is better to have loved then lost, then not loved at all, as Alfred Lord Tennyson had said it.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Reading
Why has it become "cool" to not read?
It seems as if people are embarrassed to say they do any reading. Anytime I talk to teenagers, they promptly state they do not like reading. Most of these adolescents have not even spent time picking up a book. But what's so bad about it? What makes it not "cool"? Most of your favorite movies derived from famous novels, and if you took the time to read the work, you would realize it's probably much better than the film. Why? Because reading is about imagination. You become lost in the story, and develop feelings for characters. You build them up, and leave it to your imagination as to what they look like. You read about the details and the history of each person. Reading also teaches us better spelling and grammar, more than you will ever learn from any movie. So why do a lot of teenagers refuse to read?
Many of told me they simply believe it takes too much time to read a book. It may take weeks and months, and that they do not simply have the time for it. Others claim they get confused and distracted while reading. In my opinion, I rather read a book than watch a movie. I enjoy leaving it up to my imagination and getting lost in it. I honestly do not have much free time myself, so how am I able to enjoy a good read? I set time aside, not every day, but whenever I can, to read as much as possible. I don't have a TV in my room anymore, and there's only so much you can do when you're at home, so I resort to reading.
I am currently reading "A Pale View of Hills" by Kazuo Ishiguro for my English class. I normally dislike the books teachers assign, but this isn't bad. Pretty interesting, I must say. It's about Etsuko, a Japanese woman who lives in England, who's eldest daughter has just committed suicide. In the novel, Etsuko goes back and forth to the past, remembering how it was before she was born, and recalls a time she met a mysterious woman named Sachiko and her daughter Mariko. I have also started three other books, which I had to stop because of this assignment. Those books are "Message In A Bottle" by Nicholas Sparks, "Requiem for a Dream" by Hubert Selby, Jr. and "Early Glendale" by Juliet M. Arroyo. I will go back and start each book from the beginning since I like to read the entire thing at once.
I hope more people will turn to reading and experience the joys each book brings. Unfortunately, with this change in our society, I am afraid that won't be likely. Teenagers are becoming brainwashed by modern technology, which consists of iPods, and the highly praised website, MySpace.
It seems as if people are embarrassed to say they do any reading. Anytime I talk to teenagers, they promptly state they do not like reading. Most of these adolescents have not even spent time picking up a book. But what's so bad about it? What makes it not "cool"? Most of your favorite movies derived from famous novels, and if you took the time to read the work, you would realize it's probably much better than the film. Why? Because reading is about imagination. You become lost in the story, and develop feelings for characters. You build them up, and leave it to your imagination as to what they look like. You read about the details and the history of each person. Reading also teaches us better spelling and grammar, more than you will ever learn from any movie. So why do a lot of teenagers refuse to read?
Many of told me they simply believe it takes too much time to read a book. It may take weeks and months, and that they do not simply have the time for it. Others claim they get confused and distracted while reading. In my opinion, I rather read a book than watch a movie. I enjoy leaving it up to my imagination and getting lost in it. I honestly do not have much free time myself, so how am I able to enjoy a good read? I set time aside, not every day, but whenever I can, to read as much as possible. I don't have a TV in my room anymore, and there's only so much you can do when you're at home, so I resort to reading.
I am currently reading "A Pale View of Hills" by Kazuo Ishiguro for my English class. I normally dislike the books teachers assign, but this isn't bad. Pretty interesting, I must say. It's about Etsuko, a Japanese woman who lives in England, who's eldest daughter has just committed suicide. In the novel, Etsuko goes back and forth to the past, remembering how it was before she was born, and recalls a time she met a mysterious woman named Sachiko and her daughter Mariko. I have also started three other books, which I had to stop because of this assignment. Those books are "Message In A Bottle" by Nicholas Sparks, "Requiem for a Dream" by Hubert Selby, Jr. and "Early Glendale" by Juliet M. Arroyo. I will go back and start each book from the beginning since I like to read the entire thing at once.
I hope more people will turn to reading and experience the joys each book brings. Unfortunately, with this change in our society, I am afraid that won't be likely. Teenagers are becoming brainwashed by modern technology, which consists of iPods, and the highly praised website, MySpace.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Relief
I have made this "journal" too public to speak about anything too private, so I will try not to be as direct as I would like to.
After a while, we need to learn to let go of certain things. Whether it be habits, dreams, or even friends. If you ever find yourself unhappy, ask yourself the following question: "What's the main source of my pain?" What's making you unhappy? Find the answer, and take it out of your life. Some may argue and say I'm wrong, but if you think about it logically, I could very well be right. If the main problem in your life is, let's say, school - I obviously do not encourage you to drop out. I would tell you to debate if school is the right choice for you, and if you believe it is, you would have to think your education over, and plan it correctly. Get yourself on the right path. However, finding the reason why you are unhappy, and simply fixing it or deleting it from your life, I believe, will result in happiness.
I bring this up because I accomplished it today. I had a realization over one of my biggest concerns, and decided to let it go. I would be inflicting more pain on myself if I kept dealing with it, so the burden is no more. I have a whole lot more to worry about, and quite frankly, those are actual problems. This wasn't. The advice given friends, the nights I stayed awake thinking about what to do, have now all gone to waste. Let's go back to "Fate" as a reference and reminisce: "If it is meant to happen, it will." It wasn't. And there is no use sitting around worrying about why or why not.
After a while, we need to learn to let go of certain things. Whether it be habits, dreams, or even friends. If you ever find yourself unhappy, ask yourself the following question: "What's the main source of my pain?" What's making you unhappy? Find the answer, and take it out of your life. Some may argue and say I'm wrong, but if you think about it logically, I could very well be right. If the main problem in your life is, let's say, school - I obviously do not encourage you to drop out. I would tell you to debate if school is the right choice for you, and if you believe it is, you would have to think your education over, and plan it correctly. Get yourself on the right path. However, finding the reason why you are unhappy, and simply fixing it or deleting it from your life, I believe, will result in happiness.
I bring this up because I accomplished it today. I had a realization over one of my biggest concerns, and decided to let it go. I would be inflicting more pain on myself if I kept dealing with it, so the burden is no more. I have a whole lot more to worry about, and quite frankly, those are actual problems. This wasn't. The advice given friends, the nights I stayed awake thinking about what to do, have now all gone to waste. Let's go back to "Fate" as a reference and reminisce: "If it is meant to happen, it will." It wasn't. And there is no use sitting around worrying about why or why not.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Overwhelmed
Today, in class, my teacher talked to us about what our essay's were going to be like. She told us not to get overwhelmed. Take a listen and tell me if that's even remotely possible.
In this class, we have two in-class papers to write. It must fill up an entire blue book. We must also write two out-of-class papers, varying from 5-6 pages, not including Works Cited. Our last paper is our research paper for the novel we are reading, which must be 8-10 pages, not including Works Cited. Each paper must include specific sources, which are as hard to find as writing the actual paper. We must follow proper structure, rhetoric, grammar - everything. She's one of the toughest graders I have personally ever met. The first paper due is the in-class essay which is this Thursday. We don't know the topic, and she might not even tell us. So far so good, right?
Everything else is due about a week after each other, since this is Winter Semester. I think that's ridiculous. Because Winter Semester is only 6 weeks long, I think they should shorten the work, too. How can one possibly do 5 papers, with such research, in the course of 4 weeks? I was hoping to get an A in the class, but that looks out of reach. I'll still have to do my best, and must pass. I have no choice.
So, let me ask. Who is overwhelmed? I certainly am.
In this class, we have two in-class papers to write. It must fill up an entire blue book. We must also write two out-of-class papers, varying from 5-6 pages, not including Works Cited. Our last paper is our research paper for the novel we are reading, which must be 8-10 pages, not including Works Cited. Each paper must include specific sources, which are as hard to find as writing the actual paper. We must follow proper structure, rhetoric, grammar - everything. She's one of the toughest graders I have personally ever met. The first paper due is the in-class essay which is this Thursday. We don't know the topic, and she might not even tell us. So far so good, right?
Everything else is due about a week after each other, since this is Winter Semester. I think that's ridiculous. Because Winter Semester is only 6 weeks long, I think they should shorten the work, too. How can one possibly do 5 papers, with such research, in the course of 4 weeks? I was hoping to get an A in the class, but that looks out of reach. I'll still have to do my best, and must pass. I have no choice.
So, let me ask. Who is overwhelmed? I certainly am.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Hope
Prior to October of 2006, I felt no main attraction or chemistry with any female who had entered my life. Those few months before the start of October, I didn't click with any girl I was talking to. However, ever since then, I find myself confused. What is one to do when he comes across attraction which he cannot act on?
Let's build a scenario. Chris and John are best friends, and John has recently left his girlfriend, Amy. If Chris and Amy build a stronger friendship after the break up, and find themselves interested in one another, should Chris pursue Amy? Should he ask John for approval? How long should he wait? Should he even consider it? Or, let's say, Joe and Jack are cousins. Jack's cousin, Susie, who is not in any way related to Joe, finds herself attracted to him. Should Joe and Susie be allowed to have the chance to think about a relationship? Is it wrong?
I'm Chris and Joe. Not in this specific scenario, but something along these lines. I think when we chase something we know we will never achieve, whether it's a girl or a dream in life, and something decent presents itself, we tend to find ourselves more attracted towards it. For example, if I have been chasing a girl for years, and trying to start a relationship with her, but have always failed; and another girl comes along, who is just as great, should I step aside from the dream girl and pursue the newly encountered girl? Some would say yes, but I have been wondering. Why let go? Why not pursue the dream girl? After all, we are told to chase our dreams, because we are led to believe one day we will reach them. Maybe we won't ever be able to reach these dreams, but the fact that you might, gives you hope every day to keep moving. And maybe all we need in life is hope, and the belief that one day we will reach those dreams.
This is an excerpt from "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown:
Robert: "Those who truly understand their faiths understand the stories are metaphorical."
Sophie: "My friends who are devout Christians definitely believe that Christ literally walked on water, literally turned water into wine, and was born a literal virgin birth."
Robert: "My point exactly. Religious allegory has become a part of the fabric of reality. And living in that reality helps millions of people cope and be better people."
Sophie: "But it appears their reality is false."
I don't mean to involve religion with relationships, but I see a connection as far as "chasing dreams" go. Maybe we believe in religion just to have a reason everyday to wake up and keep living. And maybe, just maybe, it's the same with relationships.
Let's build a scenario. Chris and John are best friends, and John has recently left his girlfriend, Amy. If Chris and Amy build a stronger friendship after the break up, and find themselves interested in one another, should Chris pursue Amy? Should he ask John for approval? How long should he wait? Should he even consider it? Or, let's say, Joe and Jack are cousins. Jack's cousin, Susie, who is not in any way related to Joe, finds herself attracted to him. Should Joe and Susie be allowed to have the chance to think about a relationship? Is it wrong?
I'm Chris and Joe. Not in this specific scenario, but something along these lines. I think when we chase something we know we will never achieve, whether it's a girl or a dream in life, and something decent presents itself, we tend to find ourselves more attracted towards it. For example, if I have been chasing a girl for years, and trying to start a relationship with her, but have always failed; and another girl comes along, who is just as great, should I step aside from the dream girl and pursue the newly encountered girl? Some would say yes, but I have been wondering. Why let go? Why not pursue the dream girl? After all, we are told to chase our dreams, because we are led to believe one day we will reach them. Maybe we won't ever be able to reach these dreams, but the fact that you might, gives you hope every day to keep moving. And maybe all we need in life is hope, and the belief that one day we will reach those dreams.
This is an excerpt from "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown:
Robert: "Those who truly understand their faiths understand the stories are metaphorical."
Sophie: "My friends who are devout Christians definitely believe that Christ literally walked on water, literally turned water into wine, and was born a literal virgin birth."
Robert: "My point exactly. Religious allegory has become a part of the fabric of reality. And living in that reality helps millions of people cope and be better people."
Sophie: "But it appears their reality is false."
I don't mean to involve religion with relationships, but I see a connection as far as "chasing dreams" go. Maybe we believe in religion just to have a reason everyday to wake up and keep living. And maybe, just maybe, it's the same with relationships.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Education
Since we were children, most of us have seen school as a burden. Waking up every day to go to school, for the entire week, with only two days vacation, hardly seems worth it. The daily routine, which begins when we are too young to remember, and lasts until early adulthood, blinds us from what education might actually bring. By the time I reached high school, I had been through about four or five schools. Not because of my citizenship, but because my family moved every few years. I started off doing very well in school, received a GPA of 4.0 until the 7th grade. After going from one classroom to the next, I ended up slacking off. I guess you can say I didn't feel comfortable, and was always worried by the new environment. I stopped doing so well, and throughout high school, I struggled with my classes. I had it in me to do very well, but I found it pointless. Eventually, it all caught up to me in the end, when it was too late.
I started College in Fall 2005, and I was determined to do my best, and transfer to a four-year university. Again, I fell behind in classes, because I wasn't motivated. Unfortunently, that exceeded it's limit as well, until recently, I began thinking. If I keep this up, I will either drop out of school, or stay at this College for years. The one thing my parents have asked for me is to do well in school, and I know they haven't had the opportunity to smile like they used to, since those middle school days. So, I had an awakening. What's better than making my parents proud, and at the same time be proud of myself, and graduate from University? The answer was simple, and I was determined to move on.
I realized I need to start looking at school for what it really is. An advantage to get a good education and start a career. No more burden, I go to class to learn. For me, it's not about what I'm majoring in, but what I will do with it in the end. I'm still debating the possibility of using the English major for either law/medical school. I do know, however, that I will not be limited to reaching higher grounds, and will be involved with anything and everything I want to be. A few schools for transfer are in mind, but not decided, and won't be until I speak with my counselor. But I am motivated, and eager to do better with my education, now more than ever.
I started College in Fall 2005, and I was determined to do my best, and transfer to a four-year university. Again, I fell behind in classes, because I wasn't motivated. Unfortunently, that exceeded it's limit as well, until recently, I began thinking. If I keep this up, I will either drop out of school, or stay at this College for years. The one thing my parents have asked for me is to do well in school, and I know they haven't had the opportunity to smile like they used to, since those middle school days. So, I had an awakening. What's better than making my parents proud, and at the same time be proud of myself, and graduate from University? The answer was simple, and I was determined to move on.
I realized I need to start looking at school for what it really is. An advantage to get a good education and start a career. No more burden, I go to class to learn. For me, it's not about what I'm majoring in, but what I will do with it in the end. I'm still debating the possibility of using the English major for either law/medical school. I do know, however, that I will not be limited to reaching higher grounds, and will be involved with anything and everything I want to be. A few schools for transfer are in mind, but not decided, and won't be until I speak with my counselor. But I am motivated, and eager to do better with my education, now more than ever.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Katharsis
We had a discussion in class today about "revenge" and "katharsis".
Revenge (n) - retaliation taken in return for an injury or offense
Katharsis (n) - (psychoanalysis) purging of emotional tensions
I suggested to the class that "revenge" and "katharsis" stand together the same way "jealousy" and "envy" do. A person who seeks revenge is clearly looking to cause some sort of pain to the opposition, and/or take it to the extreme. A person seeking katharsis is "letting off healthy steam", as we mentioned in class. I believe it is the same with jealousy and envy. To be envious denotes a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, or possessions. However, if one is jealous of another, it implies feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages. Senior year of high school, my English teacher, whom I hate with passion today, clarified jealousy implies hate. As does revenge, I suppose. Revenge is taken to an extreme, the same way it is done with jealousy. Nonetheless, my teacher agreed with me today, so I assume my position is correct.
Revenge (n) - retaliation taken in return for an injury or offense
Katharsis (n) - (psychoanalysis) purging of emotional tensions
I suggested to the class that "revenge" and "katharsis" stand together the same way "jealousy" and "envy" do. A person who seeks revenge is clearly looking to cause some sort of pain to the opposition, and/or take it to the extreme. A person seeking katharsis is "letting off healthy steam", as we mentioned in class. I believe it is the same with jealousy and envy. To be envious denotes a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, or possessions. However, if one is jealous of another, it implies feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages. Senior year of high school, my English teacher, whom I hate with passion today, clarified jealousy implies hate. As does revenge, I suppose. Revenge is taken to an extreme, the same way it is done with jealousy. Nonetheless, my teacher agreed with me today, so I assume my position is correct.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Fate
The fact that I am not progressing is bothering me.
Why is it that everytime you want a certain thing to work, it never does? No matter how much time and effort you put into it, and how careful you are, it still doesn't work the way you want it to. I have always heard if it is meant to happen, it will. It seems as if that phrase and "Everything happens for a reason" are the only two phrases people know these days. It is as if they live their life by it, and have become religious to the saying. Although I do believe in fate, I also believe I can control the actions and consequences in my life. If I keep failing at making things work with a certain girl, should I simply let it go and think, "If it is meant to happen, it will"? Hardly. On the contrary, I do what I can to show my interest in her, and if the interest is not returned, I will then, possibly, let it go.
The reason I'm bringing this up is because it's been in the back of my mind for too long. It hasn't been bothering me recently, but it hit me today. You see, the thing is, I simply want to carry out the process of being friends and forming a deeper relationship, but when she doesn't show any interest, whatsoever, I am encouraged to give up and lose all hope. It's just like music. I give up every night. But when I wake up in the morning, I go back to it, because that's all I know. I've been involved with music for so long now, it's apart of me, and I can't let it go, even though most of the time I wish I could. It's all complicated for me, but honestly, I feel as if I'm chasing something that isn't there.
But as my peers have told me, if it is meant to happen, it will.
Why is it that everytime you want a certain thing to work, it never does? No matter how much time and effort you put into it, and how careful you are, it still doesn't work the way you want it to. I have always heard if it is meant to happen, it will. It seems as if that phrase and "Everything happens for a reason" are the only two phrases people know these days. It is as if they live their life by it, and have become religious to the saying. Although I do believe in fate, I also believe I can control the actions and consequences in my life. If I keep failing at making things work with a certain girl, should I simply let it go and think, "If it is meant to happen, it will"? Hardly. On the contrary, I do what I can to show my interest in her, and if the interest is not returned, I will then, possibly, let it go.
The reason I'm bringing this up is because it's been in the back of my mind for too long. It hasn't been bothering me recently, but it hit me today. You see, the thing is, I simply want to carry out the process of being friends and forming a deeper relationship, but when she doesn't show any interest, whatsoever, I am encouraged to give up and lose all hope. It's just like music. I give up every night. But when I wake up in the morning, I go back to it, because that's all I know. I've been involved with music for so long now, it's apart of me, and I can't let it go, even though most of the time I wish I could. It's all complicated for me, but honestly, I feel as if I'm chasing something that isn't there.
But as my peers have told me, if it is meant to happen, it will.
Friday, January 5, 2007
Late
My time is running out.
The 'dreams' entry I made earlier, came back to haunt me. Literally. For so long, I haven't had a 'bad dream', and I was starting to think it was because I was listening to music and it was keeping me relaxed, but I think it was the night I made that entry, when I had a nightmare. I forgot what it was about, but I layed awake in bed for about an hour thinking about it.
Dreams are fascinating. I read about dreams last night, before I went to sleep, and it's really an amazing thing - especially lucid dreaming. I'll get into detail about that another time. Last night, instead of leaving on a collection of songs, I left on one song - my new song. I wanted to see if it would affect my dreams in any way, and it did. I dreamt I had to go to class, but while driving, I realized I took a wrong road. I had gone the opposite way. I checked the time in my car, and it was 6:00 - and I remember thinking I had to be there by 9. But somehow, I checked the time again, and it had jumped, and I was late. I was racing against time my entire dream, struggling to get to school. In my dream, I was going to Berkeley, which is interesting because I have considered that school for transfer. Today, I was thinking about what that dream might have meant. Maybe I'm nervous about school? I found one interpretation of what being 'late' means, and it said:
Late
To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.
How conveniant. "You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want." If that's not on point, I don't know what is. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about my album, and how I have to prepare it. 7 months seems like a long time, but time flies. All the distribution, promotion - takes a lot of time, and you need to be smart with how you do it. I think the dream, in a sense, is referring to my music, (which is odd considering I was listening to my music while sleeping), and is referring to school, because I'm trying to find a balance between both. Either way, dreams are quite my interest lately, because if I dream I'm a butterfly, then wake up - did I just wake up dreaming I was a butterfly, or start dreaming I'm a person..? Think about it.
The 'dreams' entry I made earlier, came back to haunt me. Literally. For so long, I haven't had a 'bad dream', and I was starting to think it was because I was listening to music and it was keeping me relaxed, but I think it was the night I made that entry, when I had a nightmare. I forgot what it was about, but I layed awake in bed for about an hour thinking about it.
Dreams are fascinating. I read about dreams last night, before I went to sleep, and it's really an amazing thing - especially lucid dreaming. I'll get into detail about that another time. Last night, instead of leaving on a collection of songs, I left on one song - my new song. I wanted to see if it would affect my dreams in any way, and it did. I dreamt I had to go to class, but while driving, I realized I took a wrong road. I had gone the opposite way. I checked the time in my car, and it was 6:00 - and I remember thinking I had to be there by 9. But somehow, I checked the time again, and it had jumped, and I was late. I was racing against time my entire dream, struggling to get to school. In my dream, I was going to Berkeley, which is interesting because I have considered that school for transfer. Today, I was thinking about what that dream might have meant. Maybe I'm nervous about school? I found one interpretation of what being 'late' means, and it said:
Late
To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.
How conveniant. "You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want." If that's not on point, I don't know what is. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about my album, and how I have to prepare it. 7 months seems like a long time, but time flies. All the distribution, promotion - takes a lot of time, and you need to be smart with how you do it. I think the dream, in a sense, is referring to my music, (which is odd considering I was listening to my music while sleeping), and is referring to school, because I'm trying to find a balance between both. Either way, dreams are quite my interest lately, because if I dream I'm a butterfly, then wake up - did I just wake up dreaming I was a butterfly, or start dreaming I'm a person..? Think about it.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Friends
"..I woke up one day and everything was different."
If you know me well enough, you know I hate change. I like keeping things in life simple and familiar. Growing up, my family had to move a lot, so I wasn't able to build long term friendships. During middle school, I built a close friendship with my class, which then led to me moving to Glendale and never seeing them. It's been about six years, and I have only seen one or two of my classmates. I felt like I woke up one day and everything was different. New city, new school - had to start from scratch. Going to a private school made the entire class feel like a family, so losing that after all those years, was dramatically felt. I figured we would all stay in contact, but we never did. Phone numbers and contacts changed, and we all forgot about each other. I have heard from others no one ever really asked about me after I left, and if they did, it wasn't in any positive way. I would assume that's true because of the multiple sources, and what really bothers me, is that after all these years, I still try to keep those friendships alive. After trying all I could to find them, contact them, the most I get out of my past friends is, "How have you been? It's been a long time."
I'm not asking for much, I just miss the past. I have mentioned we should all get together and reunite, because most of the class did go their separate ways after graduation - and even though they do get together every year, it has never been asked of me to join. I don't take it offensively, nor am I saddened by it. I do, however, feel left out. My sister went to the same school as I did, and she sees my past classmates ocassionally, but again, they don't show any interest. I wish I could meet these old friends one more time, and see how everyone is doing after so many years, but I doubt I ever will. They all look happy, though, so I'm glad they're living a good life. I wish them nothing but the best, regardless of what they think of me today. I haven't been raised to hold a grudge or to hate someone. But if I ever get a chance to speak with them again, I'd tell them I miss them.
If you know me well enough, you know I hate change. I like keeping things in life simple and familiar. Growing up, my family had to move a lot, so I wasn't able to build long term friendships. During middle school, I built a close friendship with my class, which then led to me moving to Glendale and never seeing them. It's been about six years, and I have only seen one or two of my classmates. I felt like I woke up one day and everything was different. New city, new school - had to start from scratch. Going to a private school made the entire class feel like a family, so losing that after all those years, was dramatically felt. I figured we would all stay in contact, but we never did. Phone numbers and contacts changed, and we all forgot about each other. I have heard from others no one ever really asked about me after I left, and if they did, it wasn't in any positive way. I would assume that's true because of the multiple sources, and what really bothers me, is that after all these years, I still try to keep those friendships alive. After trying all I could to find them, contact them, the most I get out of my past friends is, "How have you been? It's been a long time."
I'm not asking for much, I just miss the past. I have mentioned we should all get together and reunite, because most of the class did go their separate ways after graduation - and even though they do get together every year, it has never been asked of me to join. I don't take it offensively, nor am I saddened by it. I do, however, feel left out. My sister went to the same school as I did, and she sees my past classmates ocassionally, but again, they don't show any interest. I wish I could meet these old friends one more time, and see how everyone is doing after so many years, but I doubt I ever will. They all look happy, though, so I'm glad they're living a good life. I wish them nothing but the best, regardless of what they think of me today. I haven't been raised to hold a grudge or to hate someone. But if I ever get a chance to speak with them again, I'd tell them I miss them.
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